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Monday, 01/21/2013 - 02:33 pm EST

Oh, IT IS FREAKING ON.

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Daisy and I often get accused of being too snarky, or too mean, or of not taking the high road, or of not being Christian enough, or of not being conservative enough, and on and on and on.  In other words, we don’t please everyone.  SHOCK!  Find me someone who does.

ANYWAY, we take particular exception to being told we need to be nicer.  We’ve often said that when GOP candidates have focused on being polite, and holding their tongues, and taking the high road in campaigns, it hasn’t done them one speck of good. 

Not a single speck.

Allow me a brief, but related tangent:  Mr. Mock is convinced that Chris Christie will switch parties before the 2016 election, and that he might actually run against Hillary Clinton in a primary.  This is how far from conservatism Christie has veered lately.  But if there’s one thing that Gov Christie is AWESOMESAUCE at, it’s saying exactly what he thinks, no holds-barred, no fear, no concern for what people will think of him.  And regardless of how much his stances as of late SUCK MONKEYBALLS, I love that about him.  We need more of that feistiness.  More spunk.  More people unafraid of offending, and just determined to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

And the reason I’m bringing this up right now is because I just read the text of Obama’s inaugural address.  Since I have a day job, I couldn’t watch the festivities on TV, and had I been off today, I would have found it very easy to ignore it all anyway.  But the internet exists, and it’s a lot harder for me to ignore tempting links than it is the television, so I read the full text of the speech.  And you guys, Obama’s speechwriters are AMAZEBALLS.  Here’s why: they have found a way to say incredibly divisive, almost bullying things, in a way that places full blame on the GOP, and at the same time makes liberals look like they’re desperately seeking unity, even though it’s liberals themselves who are doing all of the negative things that are described in the speech.  MASTERFUL.

I have to give them credit.  It’s spectacular in its brilliance, it’s incredibly effective, and it’s why being polite and using inside voices and playing nicely will get us absolutely NOWHERE.  GOP leaders need to IMMEDIATELY counter speeches like this with video examples which contradict the speeches (which conservatives know are filled with total bullsh*t.)  They need to be posting like crazy on youtube, with strong background music and forceful messaging.  They need to be on TV, giving facts and data NOT the way they currently do, which is with whining and handwringing, but with forceful, aggressive, Chris Christie flair.  They need to be Pitbulls, not Pomeranians. 

We’re the Pomeranian party right now, you guys.  And it’s NOT WORKING.

Feast your eyes on a couple of passages from the inaugural address today:  

1.       But we have always understood that when times change, so must we; that fidelity to our founding principles requires new responses to new challenges; that preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action.  Translation:  the Constitution is a living, breathing document which we can and should change to fit our agenda.  And by golly, we’ve got a whole new way of doing that – through Organizing for Action.  Check out Michelle Obama’s latest video about it!  SHE HAS BANGS NOW!!

2.       We, the people, still believe that our obligations as Americans are not just to ourselves, but to all posterity.  We will respond to the threat of climate change, knowing that the failure to do so would betray our children and future generations.  Some may still deny the overwhelming judgment of science, but none can avoid the devastating impact of raging fires, and crippling drought, and more powerful storms.  The path towards sustainable energy sources will be long and sometimes difficult.  But America cannot resist this transition; we must lead it.  Translation:  Climate change deniers will be silenced and ignored, and we will accomplish this by saying “it’s for the children”  because using children and old people as political pawns is what we’re famous for.  Our energy prices will “necessarily skyrocket,” because I will NOT SLEEP until we have completely turned over oil production, coal production, and natural gas production to other countries, for the sake of social justice and worldwide equality.

3.       It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began.  For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts.  Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law – for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.  Our journey is not complete until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote.  Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity; until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country.  Our journey is not complete until all our children, from the streets of Detroit to the hills of Appalachia to the quiet lanes of Newtown, know that they are cared for, and cherished, and always safe from harm. Translation:  I will ignore stats and research that relates to women making fair pay already, due to allowances made for their worklife balance and maternity needs.  I will not apologize for lying to the American people in the election of 2008 and during my first term, when I claimed that marriage is between a man and a woman.  I will say my position has “evolved” and now defiantly claim that  “the love we commit to one another must be equal,” because I know it’s a cause of critical importance to the left, despite the fact that only 3-4% of the US population is LGBT.  By doing so, I will give my supporters reason to cast shame upon the GOP for their closed-mindedness, ignoring completely that gay conservatives exist, and many many conservatives don’t give TWO CRAPS about what anyone does in the privacy of their own bedroom.

(Edit:  Don't even get me started on the immigration and gun control crap.  DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. ~Mock)

4.       For now decisions are upon us, and we cannot afford delay.  We cannot mistake absolutism for principle, or substitute spectacle for politics, or treat name-calling as reasoned debate.  We must act, knowing that our work will be imperfect.  We must act, knowing that today’s victories will be only partial, and that it will be up to those who stand here in four years, and forty years, and four hundred years hence to advance the timeless spirit once conferred to us in a spare Philadelphia hall.  Translation:  We never act absolutely – the GOP does.  We never employ spectacle politics – the GOP does.  We never name-call – the GOP does.  We are known for action; the GOP does nothing but get in the way.  We don’t need to think through our legislation carefully and weigh all the potential outcomes – because we’ll be long gone by the time the negative aspects are obvious to everyone.  We will shove our agenda down the throats of the American people, because we know what’s best for them, despite the fact that our hallmark legislation (Obamacare) has been woefully unsuccessful at stopping the rise of insurance premiums.

I’m hoping you can see a pattern here.  It’s masterful, really, the way they can beautifully craft their speeches so that it sounds as though they are simply the do-gooders trying to do their good, and anyone standing in opposition is basically Satan and pure evil.  They say those things without directly saying them, but to anyone with an Actual Brain, it’s painfully obvious.  Which is why liberals are snowed, what with their shortage of Actual Brains and whatnot.

And the thing is?  It works, you guys.

Millions of ardent, breathless Obama supporters will have watched that inaugural address, just as they did when he initially took office in 2008, and they’ll be captivated by his positivity and hopefulness and optimism.  They’ll say, “See?  He mentioned God in his speech!" as if to prove to the country that even though Democrats voted AGAINST having God in their FREAKING PLATFORM in last year’s election, Obama is clearly as Christian as they come.  They’ll enthusiastically join Organizing for Action in search of ways they can contribute to the “collective action” that Obama wants the country to employ to make this a better place.

And Republican leaders will sit back and smile politely and gently interject opposition taking great care not to offend anyone.  That’s what they do.  What they SHOULD do is release some Pitbulls, like Actual Conservative versions of Chris Christie, who will go on every possible news program to say, “OMG AMERICANS – HOW FREAKING STUPID ARE YOU TO BELIEVE THAT SH*T?”  And then those Pitbulls need to explain in very clear terms (with a mix of snark and humor so it appeals to the cool crowd) what the reality is.  They need to cozy up to celebrities and USE them the way the left uses celebrities.  They need to go on talk radio and shoot the sh*t with the same local stations that Obama talked to (and which everyone made fun of.)  They need to create reality shows that are stupid enough to appeal to the Honey Boo Boo crowd, but that carefully and thoughtfully promote a conservative message.  They need to develop kicka$$ musical talents who don’t necessarily sing ABOUT conservatism and make it all obvious (and therefore unappealing), but who write catchy, hip tunes which have understated conservative themes.  They need to create talk shows like The View or Ellen, led by women and gay conservatives, which appeal to people in the same way that those shows already do.  In other words, they need to realize that America has been dumbed down by liberalism, and they need to bring the level of discussion down to the lowest common denominator – the Obama voter.  I don’t like that any more than you do, but THAT IS WHAT MUST BE DONE.

There is serious work to be done, y’all.  And NONE of it involves sitting back and being nicey nice and polite.   Daisy and I will always fight back against those who insist on trying to mold us into being kinder, gentler conservatives.   Pardon my language, but F*CK THAT.  We are NOT going to sit back while Obama beautifully orates a load of CRAP that craftily cuts down conservatives.  Nope.  Not gonna happen.

So who will join us in this dog fight?  Only Pitbulls need apply.

ONWARD.

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